Conservapedia is a popular fan-fiction site where aspiring writers painstakingly construct an alternate-history parallel universe based loosely around the storyline concocted within the series of fantasy works collectively referred to as “The Bible”. But as with many fantasy realms – especially those where numerous authors have created content, such as in the realms of Star Wars/Trek fandom – there are bound to be continuity errors and questions over what material should be considered parts of the “official canon”.
Well, the creative folks over an Conservapedia have decided on a rather unique way to resolve such disputes: they’re going to re-write the original fantasy novels to better support the later fiction they inspired!
Liberal bias has become the single biggest distortion in modern Bible translations. There are three sources of errors in conveying biblical meaning:
* lack of precision in the original language, such as terms underdeveloped to convey new concepts introduced by Christ
* lack of precision in modern language
* translation bias in converting the original language to the modern one.
Of these three sources of errors, the last introduces the largest error, and the biggest component of that error is liberal bias. Large reductions in this error can be attained simply by retranslating the KJV into modern English.[1]
As of 2009, there is no fully conservative translation of the Bible which satisfies the following ten guidelines:[2]
Personally I’m not a fan of the original work, but as an aficionado of fantasy literature and an aspiring writer myself, I’m intrigued enough by this project to consider making some contributions, or at least a few suggestions:
1. Framework against Liberal Bias: providing a strong framework that enables a thought-for-thought translation without corruption by liberal bias
Well, of course a good fantasy realm has to be internally consistent to be believable, but it seems to me that if you’re going to address the underlying philosophical message of a piece of writing, your time would be better spent trying to massage away the plot holes that undermine that message. In this case, I’d consider starting with the “thou shalt not kill unless the voice in your head tells you to, in which case slaughter is totally justified” conundrum.
2 Not Emasculated: avoiding unisex, “gender inclusive” language, and other modern emasculation of Christianity
This step needs to be taken a bit further: add more masculinity. What follows are some rough drafts of a few possible ways to handle this transition:
And the Lord commandeth Moses to draw forth his Glock 9mm semi-automatic, and Moses did; and he sayeth unto the Pharaoh, ‘Let my people go, bee-yotch!’ And the girly Pharaoh did run away whining to his mommy like a crybaby liberal, and the Not Really Christians But Close Enough for This Part of the Story did flee into the desert in their Hummers and American-built pickup trucks.
Parting the red sea by belching after a Coors Lite binge is another possible avenue to explore.
And Jesus said, ‘Render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s, unless Caesar is a democrat or a negro; for those are lying socialist dictators.’ And Jesus did flex his manly biceps, and Mary Magdalene did drop to her knees where she belonged and render unto herself the bulge under his robe, which would have been a sin were Jesus not a family-values Republican.
Wow, this is even more fun than I thought it would be!
3 Not Dumbed Down: not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity; the NIV is written at only the 7th grade level[3]
Don’t dumb it down, dumb it UP! The Stupid in the Bible is one of the most interesting things about it. Never be afraid to add more Stupid!
4 Utilize Powerful Conservative Terms: using powerful new conservative terms as they develop;[4] defective translations use the word “comrade” three times as often as “volunteer”; similarly, updating words which have a change in meaning, such as “word”, “peace”, and “miracle”.
5 Combat Harmful Addiction: combating addiction by using modern terms for it, such as “gamble” rather than “cast lots”;[5] using modern political terms, such as “register” rather than “enroll” for the census
Search and replace becomes your best friend here!
6 Accept the Logic of Hell: applying logic with its full force and effect, as in not denying or downplaying the very real existence of Hell or the Devil.
For consistency, also accept the logic of Limbo and explain its recent disappearance. Also Narnia and the alien base on Mars where abductees are anal-probed.
7 Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning
Thou shalt not steal unless thou canst afford to hire flunkies to do it for thee. The peddling of worthless investments to uninformed consumers shall also raise thee in stature in the eyes of God.
8 Exclude Later-Inserted Liberal Passages: excluding the later-inserted liberal passages that are not authentic, such as the adulteress story
References to feeding the poor and healing the sick contribute to the socialist agenda, so those must also go.
Credit Open-Mindedness of Disciples: crediting open-mindedness, often found in youngsters like the eyewitnesses Mark and John, the authors of two of the Gospels
It goes without saying that examples of open-mindedness which leads to conclusions other than our pre-conceived ones will be correctly excluded.
10 Prefer Conciseness over Liberal Wordiness: preferring conciseness to the liberal style of high word-to-substance ratio; avoid compound negatives and unnecessary ambiguities; prefer concise, consistent use of the word “Lord” rather than “Jehovah” or “Yahweh” or “Lord God.”
Clearly excessive use of “words” can be dangerous when mixed with the wrong sort of open-mindedness (see above), leading potentially to the sins of Curiosity, Investigation, or even the deadly sin of Questioning. Wherever possible, extensive wordiness should be replaced by buzzwords and simplistic catch-phrases which invite repetition rather than discussion.
How long would this project take? There are about 8000 verses in the New Testament. At a careful rate of translating about four verses an hour, it would take one person 2000 hours, or about one year working full time on the project.
Well then get to work, I can’t wait to read the results! This won’t outsell the original, but it’s sure to be a big hit!
