Adopt an Atheist: Dad, can I have some money?

The Catholic League, the organization most famous for lending false credibility to Bill Donohue by putting him on TV a lot, has announced a new “Adopt an Atheist” program in hopes of helping atheists “uncover their inner self” so that they “may come to understand that they were Christian all along.”  (Just so you know, Bill, when you’re “working with them“, you need to “uncover their inner selves“, not “self” … unless your theology proposes that atheists are all avatars of one person somewhere in, say, Schenectady.  And I can’t prove we’re not, so it must be true.)

I know, I shouldn’t be harping on your grammar, Bill.  It’s impolite to nitpick. especially when someone is expressing such heartfelt concern for my well-being:

If we hurry, these closeted Christians can celebrate Christmas like the rest of us. As an added bonus, they will no longer be looked upon as people who “believe in nothing, stand for nothing and are good for nothing.”

I really appreciate the offer, Bill. So much that I’m going to use the contact form on your site to volunteer to be an adoptee. But I won’t stop there – I’m going to tell all my heathen friends about your program so they can take advantage of it too!  After all, there are lots of us who aren’t members of American Atheists, the organization you’re targeting, who might miss out if somebody doesn’t let them know about this opportunity!

So I’ve just submitted the following request:

For some reason it didn’t like my response to the verification question at the bottom, so I gave a secular answer, and it worked.  You might want to fix that, Bill.

(I’m not sure if my submission worked – the site just reverted to the same page with an empty form.  Maybe Jesus told their server to reject me?)

 

 

A smackdown from beyond the grave

A new video from Thunderf00t suggests that Carl Sagan doesn’t even have to be alive to out-debate William Lane Craig (who so famously also lost a debate against Richard Dawkins’ Empty Chair).

Craig’s been on a bit of a losing streak recently – and ironically he’s been losing to people who aren’t there, while arguing for the existence of something that isn’t there.

 

 

 

Which of these headlines is from The Onion?

More Vegetables Evolving Chocolate-Sauce-Filled Centers As Evolutionary Imperative

or

Roman Catholic church’s paedophile investigator jailed for possessing thousands of child porn images

Which of these belongs in a satirical fake newspaper?  If you answered “both”, you’d be right if we were living in a slightly saner world.  But we’re not.  And given that hint, I’m sure that anyone who’s made it this far can easily make the distinction between the the humorous, made-up story:

A similar phenomenon was observed last year when Danish fishermen discovered a species of scallop that appeared to have perpetuated itself by growing a thick layer of bacon around its body.

… and the sad reality:

A Catholic Church child safety co-ordinator who was in charge of investigating sexual abuse allegations was jailed for 12 months today for internet peadophile offences.

Christopher Jarvis, 49, a married father-of-four, investigated historic claims of child abuse, interviewing the victims when they were adults.

He was responsible for child protection at 120 churches and parish community groups for nine years.

He also, as a member of the Devon and Cornwall Multi-Agency Safeguarding Team, had access to police and social services information about victims of child abuse.

…

Police officers who traced him to his home in Plymouth, Devon, found more than 4,000 child porn images, mainly of boys aged 10 to 12, on his church-supplied computer and a memory stick when they raided the house in Penrose Road.

…
But there were […] scenes of child rape, and […] scenes of torture and sadism.

 

The good news here is that he was caught and convicted, so, increasingly, someone is watching the watchmen.

 

Wrapped in the flag and carrying the cross, made easy

Apparently there’s a group that’s taken that old saying about “When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying the cross” and decided to produce a labor-saving device, presumably to leave the flag/cross bearers’ hands free to make better use of their automatic weapons.

Yes, for a mere $49.95, you can wrap in the flag and carry the cross, but still unload your AK-47 on those crazy godless liberal commies who seem to think Exxon-Mobil should pay taxes!  Introducing:  The Cross Spangled Banner!

 

“Atheists can’t be trusted,” says untrustworthy liar

Serial adulterer, censured-as-speaker-of-the-house, many-questionable-financial deals, fake twitter follower generating presidential candidate Newt Gingrich said at a recent debate, “How can you have judgment if you have no faith? How can I trust you with power if you don’t pray?”

I’d ask the exact opposite question:  how can I trust someone with power who does pray?  How can I rely on someone who expects futile, empty gestures to produce real-world results?  I wouldn’t want a president who relied on goat-entrail divinations to predict unemployment figures; why should I want one who drops to his knees, hands clasped, and begs the sky for rain while cutting emergency services that would help fight drought-induced wildfires.

 

Richard Dawkins’ Empty Chair 1, William Lane Craig 0

Professional Christian apologist William Lane Craig has been harassing Richard Dawkins to debate him for years.  Dawkins, citing a strict “I will not debate with creationists” policy, has refused, much to WLC’s consternation.  Craig’s followers spend an inordinate amount of time leaving comments all over the Internet (and showing up at his public appearances) to accuse Dawkins of cowardice for not agreeing to the debate.

On the occasion of Craig’s planned visit to Oxford last month, the rhetoric was stepped up.  Craig promised to leave an empty chair at his appearance as a reminder of Dawkins’ absence (and possibly to provide a phantom opponent to declare victory against); Dawkins took the time to issue a rare reply to Craig in the form of an article published in The Guardian.

For some years now, Craig has been increasingly importunate in his efforts to cajole, harass or defame me into a debate with him. I have consistently refused, in the spirit, if not the letter, of a famous retort by the then president of the Royal Society: “That would look great on your CV, not so good on mine”.

He then goes on to describe Craig’s recent defenses of biblical slaughter and genocide, and asks,

Would you shake hands with a man who could write stuff like that? Would you share a platform with him? I wouldn’t, and I won’t. Even if I were not engaged to be in London on the day in question, I would be proud to leave that chair in Oxford eloquently empty.

Craig, not surprisingly, went ahead with his attempt to capitalize on Richard’s name and absence.  A few reports on the event have now been published, and it turns out the issue was raised there:

[Craig said] “I would say that God has the right to give and take life as he sees fit. Children die all the time! If you believe in the salvation, as I do, of children, who die, what that meant is that the death of these children meant their salvation. People look at this [genocide] and think life ends at the grave but in fact this was the salvation of these children, who were far better dead…than being raised in this Canaanite culture. “

One attendee, who wished not be named, called Craig’s argument “alarming”: “I’m a Christian who generally agrees with Craig’s ideas but what he said for the last question was simply disturbing. He completely contradicted himself, one minute saying that, effectively, no children were killed in the genocide, only to say later on that it was OK that children died, that it was God’s will, and that they were saved from a debauched culture.”

Sounds to me like the chair was the clear winner of this debate.

 

A little TOO coincidental, if you ask me…

The pieces have fallen too neatly into place for mere coincidence.  I’m convinced.

What are the chances that, the day after writing about another failed end-of-the-world and looking forward to the next one, I should finish the book I was reading, and decide to take a break from catching up on my stack of unread books to do a little catching up on my stack of unread magazines?  And what are the chances that an issue of the Skeptical Enquirer would be the one I randomly selected from the pile, and, further, that the specific issue I chose should contain an article (based on a blog post by Robert Sheaffer) about cosmic events in 2012?  It boggles the mind.

Think about it.  On the day after I joked about 2012, I accidentally read an article about 2012!  Clearly, this is the work of [Attention, believers!  Insert the name of your favorite unseen entity here for a mere $250 donation!]!

Now that my eyes have been opened, I need to learn more about this person named Peter Gersten.  This UFOlogist isn’t some Mayan Calendar whacko; no, he has hard astronomical evidence that at 11:11:11 on December 21st, 2012 (winter solstice – another highly unlikely coincidence, so it must be true!), an energy vortex will open in Sedona, Arizona.  So sure of this prediction is Gersten that he plans to leap into this vortex off a cliff to move on to the next phase of his existence:

But I believe that some type of cosmic portal will be opening at that time and place and that an opportunity will present itself. I fully expect that it will either lead to the next level of this cosmic program; freedom from an imprisoning time-loop; a magical Martian-like bubble; or something equally as exotic. In March 2012 I will reach 70 years of age and nine months later we arrive at the cosmic coordinate. I think it will then be time for me to move on – in one form or another. I’d like to see what else our Cosmic Computer has to offer.

Uh, one question, though – what happens if his next form is also a corporeal one in a world with gravity, and there’s nobody waiting on the other side with a nice, cushy mattress for him to land on?

 

I (Still) Feel Fine

Well, maybe not “fine” – I’m tired, fighting some kind of cold/flu thing, and the “stuff in my life that really, really, sucks right now” list is long and varied – but “fine” in the sense that the world hasn’t ended.

Because, of course, it’s supposed to do just that today.  When God couldn’t make the May 29th Doomsday earlier this year, he rescheduled for October 21st (presumably the almighty has a busy schedule and just couldn’t squeeze Armageddon in any earlier).

As of this writing there are still a little under 12 hours left of today in this time zone and lots more for those closer to the other side of the International Date Line,  so of course it’s entirely possible that the end is yet to come.  But I’m going to go ahead and make a prediction anyway:  today’s End of the World will be a big disappointment, just like all the others have been; I guess I’ll just have to hold out for the 2012 Mayan Calendar thing and see if that one’s any more interesting.

 

Gallop-by Shavings are next!

It’s only a matter of time:

The clip-clop! clip-clop! of a passing black horse-drawn buggy  was so familiar that Jacob didn’t even think to turn his gaze away from pruning a cluster of unacceptably colorful wildflowers from along the fence bordering his tobacco field.  It wasn’t until the wagon ground to an abrupt halt a few feet away that Jacob turned to look – and by then it was too late.

“Visitors?” he’d wondered.  “On a Thursday, when everyone knows I have butchering to do to get ready for market tomorrow?”

But when he finally saw the buggy, he knew right away that something was wrong.  Its windows were dark-tinted glass, the spokes of its over-sized wheels chromed, and an elaborate stained-glass-and-candles apparatus cast an eerie blue-violet light from its underside.

The doors popped open, and three bearded men in dark glasses sprung out and charged at Jacob; before he could overcome the initial shock, he found himself pinned against the fence by two of the men while the other stood before him brandishing an ominous-looking pair of shears.

“Hold him steady, Jacob and Jacob!” ordered the scissor-wielder.

“Sure thing, Jacob,” replied Jacob.

(Fun fact:  All Amish people are named Jacob, even the women.  This is a constant source of frustration for police investigating Amish crime scenes, and is also the reason so few people are brave enough to write stories about them.)

“Now, Jacob, you learn what happens to people who mess with the Bergholz Clan!” said Jacob to Jacob.

Snip!  Snip!  Snip!

The strangers rushed back aboard their vehicle and trotted away, leaving the still-stunned Jacob gazing down in shock at the scatted locks of his new-shorn beard, some already drafting away on the breeze.

To all my Amish readers who might view this cautionary tale and think, “that could never happen here”, I can only say:  don’t be so sure.

 

Cue the iCoffin jokes

“Jobs has asked to be buried in a coffin with rounded corners and no visible latches or hinges” — Something I read someplace this morning but can’t find now.

I’ve never had an emotional stake in the whole “Mac vs PC” debate.  The only Apple product I use is an iPhone, and that only because my employer pays for it.  I stick with PCs because I’m paid to program them, because they run the software I want to run, and because I’ve never been willing to pay the premium for the pretty box with a fruit logo stamped on it.  I don’t begrudge Mac fans their choices, though – if that’s the tool that works for you, I’m happy for you.

I do have an issue with Apple as a company: their tendency toward closed, proprietary systems that serve no purpose other than to keep people shelling out money to Apple.  Why does my iPhone need a different USB connector than the standard mini-USB jack that’s used by, oh, everyone else?  Would it really hurt Apple’s bottom line that much to let me plug an SD card into the thing for more storage space?  And I haven’t used iTunes in years – is it still so damned hard to get songs bought there to play somewhere other than iTunes?  Microsoft gets pounded, sometimes deservedly so (but not so much anymore) for bucking standards… often by the same people who sing Apple’s praises while the Fruit Empire’s practices make Bill Gates look like Linus Torvalds in a very, very expensive suit.

What I’m trying somewhat unsuccessfully to get at here is that I’ve been neither a fanboy nor a vocal detractor of Steve Jobs (though, obviously, I disagree with some of his policies).  There are two areas where I can’t help but sing his praises:  he popularized (but did not invent) and steadily added innovations to the graphical user interfaces on which most of our interactive technology today is based; and he was a driving force behind turning the cell phones we’d all started carrying into techno-swiss-army-knife do-anything gadgets that have connected us all in ways that only science fiction had previously imagined.  (Just please don’t use your smartphone to “connect us all” while you’re speeding down the same highway I’m driving on, thankyouverymuch.)

So whatever I may think of some of his actions, the man did change the world, and probably for the better.  Those who would be innovators have an icon to look up to and a big set of shoes (not to mention a closet packed with long-sleeved black turtlenecks) to fill.

(Jobs also earns bonus points with me for living a life that would cause the Westboro Baptist people to protest at his funeral.  If the WBC hates you, you must have done something very, very right.  And if they tweet their hatred via a device you brought to market, you deserve some kind of posthumous award!)

Westboro iPhone