So a couple of days ago Pat Robertson made the claim that gay men in San Francisco wear special rings they use to spread AIDS when shaking hands. One would presume there’s some kind of hidden disease-ridden needle involved. This story stuck in my head because I had a nagging feeling that there was some other story about a ring with special nefarious powers, but I couldn’t quite figure it out… until I remembered that I’m a huge Tolkien geek. With that realization, parallels had to be drawn, comparisons done, and a horrendous mash-up parody created.
So without further ado, I bring you:
What if Pat Robertson was a Lord of the Rings Fan?
Three rings for the lez-beings, tongues all a-sway,
Seven for the “bi” people, swinging both ways,
Nine for the guys who sing YMCA,
One for the drag queen on his gay throne
in the land of ‘Frisco where the homos play.
One ring to prick them all,
Immunity deny them,
One ring to turn them queer,
And then slip in behind them
in the land of ‘Frisco where the heteros die.
“But wait!” you blurt dismissively, “A real Tolkien fan would have written it in Tengwar scipt!”
Oh yeah? I got’cher Tengwar right here, buddy! (I would have tried for the Sindarin translation as well but I don’t think the wood-elves had a word for YMCA.)
(Yes, I’m aware I haven’t posted anything since sometime in approximately the late Cretaceous. I’ll try to do better.)
(And no, I did not have to look up the ring poem before writing this. The original was burned into my brain during my preteen years, and I keep it in a spot where I can still see it in spite of all the clutter that’s accumulated since.)