Catholics worldwide are apparently up in arms about a guy trying to walk out of a church with an uneaten communion wafer. And while it’s not even clear what his motivation was for doing so, it hasn’t stopped the death threats from rolling in. As summarized by PZ Myers over at Pharyngula, after evading attempts to physically wrest the God-cookie from him, Webster Cook has been accused of a hate crime, his actions compared to kidnapping by one priest.
Sometimes I wish I had my own news show (I’d call it somethng like WTF?TV) to cover stories like this. Here’s how the talking head on my station would read this news:
Blasphemy or a simple search for steak sauce? That’s the question being debated tonight after UCF student Webster Cook fought his way through a throng of worshipers to carry off a poor, defenseless bit of transubstantiated Savior-flesh.
Church spokesman His Holiness Reverend Father Cardinal Bishop Patsy O’Nambla, himself no stranger to oral consumption of small bits of male meat, had this to say about the incident:
“I just don’t understand what would motivate a person to do something like this. I mean, here we are in the middle of our ritual cannibalistic devouring of the flesh of the big guy on the stick, and this kid decides to leave church property without finishing his portion? What is this guy, crazy or something?”
Said Cook, in his defense:
“I really didn’t mean anything by it. It’s just that… well… the eucharist is kind of bland, and I like my Jesus-loin with a little bit of Wooshter-… Worstecesterer-… Worchest-… uh, some A1. Was going to come back and eat Jesus, I swear! I guess from now on maybe I’d bring a little plastic bag with some seasonings to avoid this kind of mix-up in the future. ”
In related news, Catholic League president Bill Donohue’s head exploded today on national television. Again.