In the wake of Rick Santorum’s almost-win in the Iowa caucuses – an anomaly I chalk up to the timing of his turn as non-Romney-of-the-week – several videos gone viral have stirred up controversy over the statement by this small-government, personal-freedom conservative that states should have the right to outlaw the use of birth control. In an October interview, he said: “One of the things I will talk about, that no president has talked about before, is I think the dangers of contraception in this country.”
At first I wasn’t sure what he was talking about. Dangers of contraception? As a pro-sex liberal heathen (e.g. evil) I had trouble understanding this statement until I tried to think about it from a godly, moral (e.g. good) perspective. Once I shifted my point of view, it all became clear! So, since everybody seems to like lists these days, I present to you:
Rick Santorum’s Top Five Dangers of Contraception
(If Rick Santorum were me, pretending to be Rick Santorum)
5. Condoms are often lubricated, and for me, the fewer Google searches on “lubricant”, the better.
4. Limited access to birth control means even more abortions to get my base riled up about! Yay!
3. We need to produce lots of low-wage menial laborers to support the coming free-market utopia, so have more babies!
2. Just because God gave us sexual urges and genitalia doesn’t mean it’s okay to do anything with them. Wait – maybe he gave them to us as test, and the baby Jesus cries when we have unwed non-reproductive intercourse in unapproved positions. Or maybe Satan gave us sexual urges, and God just let him get away with it. Either way, sex is bad.
.. and the number one reason why birth control is a threat to civilization:
1. Letting women choose when or if they get pregnant sets us careening down that slippery slope that ends in a society of uppity, non-submissive females. Mark my words – if we give these bitches the pill, next thing you know they’ll be wanting rights and careers and equality! As President I, Rick Santorum, will not stand idly in the face of such obscenities.
Before I took off my Santorum hat, just to be thorough, I tried to think of arguments from within the Conservaverse for contraception, and while I only came up with one, it’s a doozy. It just might be enough to override one through five above!
Rick Santorum’s Top Reason For Contraception
(If Rick Santorum were me, etc.)
1. Sometimes babies grow up to be gay.
The really disturbing thing about all this is, of course, the image conjured up by the phrase “Santorum Hat”.