Apr 172008
 

“You shall not lie with a male as with a woman: it is an abomination.”

That line from Leviticus is the one most frequently referenced by Christians to justify their opposition (in various forms) to homosexuality. It came up in a discussion over on the Richard Dawkins forums recently, and inspired me to dig into that sentence a little, try to understand what it’s really trying to say.

I was shocked, I tell you, absolutely shocked at what I discovered. But it’s all so clear now.

You shall not lie with a male as with a woman: it is an abomination.”

You, in this case, is not explicitly specified, so it has to be assumed that you refers to the reader, which could be a man or a woman (unless of course women shouldn’t be able to read… and while misogyny isn’t specifically a sin, we all know that the loving Christian God would never lower himself to such assumptions, right?) So for each reader of this rule, there are a limited number of possibilities:

  • The reader is male, in which case he clearly can’t lie with another male
  • The reader is female, in which case she clearly can’t lie with a male (read the passage again – it says so!) By logical extension, then, any sexual contact between male and female is also an abomination.

If the reader is female, Leviticus does not, however, impose any limits on your lying with another woman. Conclusion:

God loves him some hot girl-on-girl action.

I know it’s hard to believe, but once you accept lesbianism as a holy institution, so many mysteries are unraveled!

The male-dominated priesthood takes vows of chastity because all male-female sexual contact is sinful!

Why do so many women become nuns? Just what do you think they’re talking about when they mention “doing their devotionals”? Come on, admit it – how many nuns have you seen who didn’t look like stereotypical butch lesbians? And those vows of silence they sometimes take? Those are just excuses not to talk because their tongues are so tired.

The bible goes on to say: “And you shall not lie with any beast and defile yourself with it, neither shall any woman give herself to a beast to lie with it: it is perversion.”

Sorry, ladies, I’m afraid that means the oversized battery powered contraption you’ve nicknamed “The Beast” will have to go. God says so.

 Posted by at 8:37 pm

  3 Responses to “Blessed are the Lesbians”

  1. Of course, you probably knows the Old Testament was once written with rich Jews in mind as it’s audience, so the you would be a male.

    But it makes your post not less funny :-)

  2. Actually if you read that as a woman you cannot lie with a man as you would a woman. To me that just says that a woman can’t tongue (I hope this is too badly taken) my balls because it would be too close to stimulation of the clit.

    So sorry… I had to do it.

  3. Well I say even assuming a man, it just means no missionary position…

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